The Musings Of Lunatics
by lyonhearted
Summary: What if the Trio read the last Harry Potter book? What about the movies? What would they say? Totally Random! WARNING: MAJOR GINNY BASHING
1. The Books

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter_

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Harry: After reading the writings of J.K. Rowling, I have come to the conclusion that her books are unrealistic and irrelevant.

Hermoine: You're just mad she made you all angsty.

Harry: Am not!

Hermoine: Are to!

Harry: Well, come on! She did make me seem borderline suicidal.

Ron: Oh yeah, because you've never acted like THAT before.

Harry: **cries** STOP INSULTING ME!

Hermoine: At least you didn't get stuck with this idiot over here. **indicates Ron**

Ron: I RESENT THAT!

Harry: Hey, I ended up with Ginny! I mean, where the hell did that come from? She's such a Mary-Sue!

Ginny: **appears randomly** Youknowyouloveme!

Harry: See? She's slurring her words together. Mad, I tell you.

Ginny: BUT WE MADE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN TOGETHER!

Harry: Ugh, don't remind me. **shudders**

**Ginny walks away dejected**

Hermoine: Stop acting so childish. Though, that is what you're best at.

Harry: **sticks his tongue out at her** Nu-uh! It's Quiddich!

Ron: And modest too.

Harry: Stay out of this, Ginger.

Ron: **bawls** IT'S GENETIC!

Hermoine: And with all these people dying in "The War"? Totally exaggerated!

Harry: Absolutely! Sirius didn't die! He's right here!

**silence**

Hermoine: Uh…

Harry: What?

Ron: Harry…

Harry: WHAT?!

Hermoine: Sirius did die.

Harry: What!

Hermoine: Yeah.

Harry: NOOOO!

Ron: Bloody hell, not again…

Harry: NOOOO! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!

Sirius: **appears** BELIEVE IT!

Harry: See! I told you! HE'S ALIVE!

Sirius: Actually, I'm not. The author just wrote me in.

Harry: What!

Author: Yeah, I did. But, just for the sake of the "plot", let's pretend he's simply a side effect of that medication you've been taking for your manic depression.

Harry: I AM NOT DEPRESSED!

Author: J.K says you are.

Harry: See! It all comes back to that accursed woman's books.

Sirius: It always does.

Author: Hush! You're not allowed to have opinions!

Sirius: Sorry **disappears in a cloud of smoke**

Ron: Wait…there's a plot?

Author: Slow, aren't you?

Hermoine: Your idiocy is amazing, Ronald.

Ron: You're welcome.

Author: Anyways, Harry, you're not the only person J.K. Rowling has done injustice to. For instance, what about Sirius' death? He was killed by a bloody curtain!

Harry: A sadder sight I never saw.

Remus: Well said.

Author: **turns to Remus** And what about Remus here? They don't even mention how he died.

Remus: Very true.

Author: **on a roll** And Wormatil's life debt? How anticlimactic!

Harry: Actually, the entire last book was rather anticlimactic. Voldemort and I don't even have a proper duel.

Hermoine: Well, at least all the ends were tied up neat and the readers weren't left wondering.

Author: You do make a point.

Harry: But what was with Ron's amazing maturity within the span of fifty pages?

Ron: **tearfully **But, I had to mature, else the trials of war would have consumed me.

Author: Oh, shut up.

Ron: But it's true!

Author: Just shut up.

Ron: B-

Author: NOW.

Ron: **sulks**

Author: **turns to Harry and Hermoine** There is a simple explanation. If Ron hadn't matured, then Hermoine probably wouldn't have wanted to date him.

Hermoine: Of course not.

Ron: Why?

Hermoine: Because you were an idiotic, incompetent git.

Ron: WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!

Hermoine: We don't hate you, per say…

Harry: We just think you're a git.

Ron: **huddles in a corner and cries**

Author: My point is, Harry, that you actually weren't the worst off. Just look at Snape.

Harry: **winces** Yeah, his life pretty much sucked…Still was a git, though.

Remus: Harry! That's not very nice.

Author: Oh, I forgot to write you out, didn't I?

Remus: Yeah.

Author: Ok. Bye-bye.

Remus: Bye. **disappears**

Author: So…what did we learn today, class?

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine: **in a monotone** That we should not make fun of the books of people who have millions of dollars more than we do.

Author: My work here is done.

Harry: I'M STILL NOT DEPRESSED!

Ron: **still sobbing in the corner**

Hermoine: Bloody lunatics, the lot of 'em.

_Reveiw, please! :)_


	2. The Movies

_Disclaimer: Mine? If it was, it probably wouldn't be a world-wide bestseller._

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Harry: Now, about the movies…

Hermoine: And it _begins_…

Harry: …they are even worse than the books!

Ron: There, you have a point. It has been proven by many Harry Potter fans that the movies are quite different from the books and, sometimes, completely off topic.

Hermoine: Oh Ron, stop trying to act smart. What he means to say is that the movies often differ from the books.

Ron: **indignant** THAT IS WHAT I SAID!

Harry: **quite flattered** I have fans…?

Hermione: You see, the first two movies were pretty good with staying true to the books, but the third one was incredibly off, and it only got worse from there.

Author: **appears** So true!

Ron: Oh, not you again!

Author: Watch it, _Ronald_. Remember, in this fic I control your entire existence.

Ron: **snorts** What can you do? You're just a muggle!

_Suddenly, Ron fell into a pit of spiders. As he writhed in agony from the combined bites of a thousand or more of the awful creatures, he realized-_

Ron: OK! OK! I'M SORRY!

Author: **smugly** Author: 1, Ron: 0

Hermoine: **clears throat** About the movies…

Author: Well, the third movie was off on several things. And by several things, I mean AT LEAST HALF OF THEM!

Ron: Sirius and Lupin were FUG-ly…

Hermoine: Well, the fourth one wasn't that bad. It didn't leave out anything important.

Author: Though I would've loved to see the Sphinx…

Harry: The fifth movie made me seem schitzo.

Ron: You friggin' ARE!

Harry: **bawls** ARE NOT!

Author: **thoughtfully** Umbrige kinda reminded me of my grandma…

**Silence**

Ron: Wow…you're grandma's a b!tch…

Author: People think that, yeah.

Harry: **changing the subject** Has anyone noticed that, ever since the fourth movie, they've been trying to put Ginny in as much as possible, and at the most random times?

Hermoine: Now that you mention it…

Ron: Yeah…

Author: Probably to prepare for the sixth movie, because it would be totally stupid if she suddenly became a main character.

Harry: Yeah, but she just shows up at the most random times-

Ginny: **suddenly appears** HIYA!

Harry: **screams** AHHHHH!

Author: Like that?

Harry: You B!TCH!

**Author and Ron high-five**

Ron: **laughing hysterically** You shoulda seen your face-!

Hermoine: **irritated** The MOVIES-?

Author: Yeah, yeah, keep your hair on.

Ginny: Ilikemyhair!

Harry: You really need to stop taking so many drugs, Ginny. **mutters to himself** …like a fricken' Chihuahua…

Ginny: **indignant** Idon'ttakeanydrugs!

Harry: Alcohol?

Ginny: No.

Harry: Sniff glue?

Ginny: Nope.

Author: Her leave-in conditioner probably soaks into her scalp at night and clogs up the blood vessels in her brain.

Ginny: **total airhead** Whaat..?

Harry: **shrugs** Makes sense.

Ron: **finally catching on** DON'T TALK ABOUT MY SISTER THAT WAY!

Author: Or it runs in the family…

Ron: **like his sister** Whaat?

Author: Author: 2, Ron: 0

Ginny: **excitedly** Oh! Oh! Icancounttotwo!

Hermoine: Oh lord…

Author: **humoring Ginny** Oh, that's awesome! Why don't we have a party! **points to two menacing looking doors on the other side of the room** First, let's play a game. Behind one door is a giant pile of CANDY!-

Ginny: **totally excited** OOOOOOHHHHH!

Author: -But behind the other door is a pit full of rabid monkeys!

Ginny: **doesn't hear because she's still about to wet herself over the candy **

Author: Now…GO!

**Ginny runs to the door on the left. They all hear a painful, drawn-out scream**

Hermoine: Guess she picked the one with the monkeys.

Author: **closes the door Ginny went through** The pile of candy was poisoned anyway…

Ron: **slow as always** You killed my sister!

Harry: Actually, the monkeys killed her.

Ron: YOU KILLED MY SISTER!

Author: No, I didn't.

Ron: _YOU KILLED_- Oh, look, a butterfly! **chases after conveniently placed butterfly**

Author: Author: 3, Ron: 0.

Hermoine: Does Ron have ADHD?

Harry: It would explain so much…

Ron: **comes back, looking sad** It got away…

Harry:** pauses** What were we talking about again?

Hermoine: We were-

Author: **ticks off tingers** Well, we were making fun of Ginny…

Hermoine: It was-

Author: But before that…

Hermoine: THE TOPIC-!

Author: **snaps fingers** Oh yeah! We were talking about the Harry Potter movies!

Hermoine: DUH.

Author: **gives Hermoine Look of Doom™**

Hermoine: **shifts uneasily**

Author: So what have we all learned?

Ron: No way! I'm NOT doing that again! You made me look stupid.

Author: I wouldn't do it if it wasn't so easy to do.

Ron: …

Harry: Author: 4, Ron: 0.

Ron: I hate you all.

Harry: NOW who's schitzo?

Author: What have we learned? (LOOK OF DOOM™!)

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine: That all we have to do is wait for the rest of the Harry Potter movies to come out, and then the remakes will start. And we will all be happy.

Author: Exactly.

Ron: Wait…MY SISTER'S DEAD?!

Author, Harry, and Hermoine: **smack foreheads**

FIN

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_Please R&R!:)_


	3. The Fanfictions

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter_

* * *

Harry: All right, this is getting really out of hand.

Hermione: You're going to complain about the fanfictions, aren't you?

Ron: Jeez…

Harry: Yes! Otherwise known as Those-stories-based-off-real-novels-and written-by-people-with-no-lives.

Author: **appears…yet again** Hey! I TOTALLY have a life!

Harry: **skeptically** Really?

Author: **changes subject** Fanfictions are a form of self-expression!

Harry: They degrade the characters!

Author: They do not!

Harry: Do so!

**They glare at each other**

Author: There's only one way to solve this…

Ron: Russian roulette?

Author: What? No! We must…DUEL.

Ron: What?

Hermione: Oh no…

Harry: Yes! You're a muggle! I can totally beat you.

Author: Don't be so sure about that.

**They face off. Harry pulls out a wand, but the author just stands there**

Harry: Aren't you going to pull your weapon, _Muggle_?

Author: **brightly** OK!

**She pulls out an AK-47**

Author: Asta la vista, _Potter_!

**She fires the gun. Harry dies**

Ron: **eloquent as always** OH MY GOD!

Hermione: **in shock** How-how could you _do_ that?

Author: That's the magic of fanfiction, baby. I can also do things like _this_.

Harry sits up, alive

Harry: HOLY CRAP!

Hermione: **gasp**

Ron: JESUS! (Pronounced 'HAY-zoos')

Author: Let's keep this non-religion preferenced, Ronald. I really can't afford to be sued.

Ron: But Harry just came back to life!…and that's what the disclaimer is for, right?

Author: **ignores Ron** You see, in the world of fanfiction, the impossible is made possible. Reality is nothing but a fancy word. Even _canon_ is rendered inconsequential if you label your story as AU!

Harry: Ranting, much?

Author: **Look of Doom™**!

Harry: Psshaaw, that stopped working on me last chapter.

Author: CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!

**She gets weird looks**

Author: What?

Ron: Hey! That's my line!

**Silence**

Author: Ron, if stupidity were a crime, you'd be serving life in jail.

Ron: What?

Harry: I can feel my IQ points dropping every time he speaks…

Ron: **realizing he was insulted** Hey!

Author: **annoyed** Good job, Ron! In fact, you wanna cookie?

**Ron eats cookie and drops down dead**

Harry: Poisoned cookie, huh?

Author: Yeah.

Hermione: Are you going to bring him back to life?

Author: Only if the police come. And since I am entierly in control of the events in this story, they won't.

Hermione: Oh. Okay.

Harry: But seriously! In some fanfics, I am paired with the most messed up people and I am put in the most messed up situations. WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?

Author: You're not allowed to be happy. It's like, a scientific law.

Hermione: Yeah, and you're not the only one in messed up relationships.

Author: Though I have to say, the canon relationships were probably the cruelest of all.

Harry and Hermione: Totally.

Hermione: Having to live with Ron all my life is the ultimate torture.

Author: What about slash and femmeslash?

Harry: I would totally rather be stuck with Snape than be with the next Lindsey Lohan.

Author: Red hair and all.

Ginny: Hieverybody!

**They all scream**

Author: How the hell did you get back? I didn't write you in!

Ginny: **her body and face mutilated almost beyond recognition** MAGIC!

Harry: **to Author** Aren't you going to do something?

Author: **looking at her computer** Just a second, my comuter just switched all the 'Hermione's' with 'Hormone'…

Ginny: Harry,Iloveyou!

Harry: **perplexed** I can't understand you.

Ginny: Ican'tlivewithoutyou!

Hermione: Aren't you supposed to be dead anyway?

Author: **muffled** YES!

Ginny: Harry,givemeakiss! **moves toward Harry**

Harry: DIE ZOMBIE! **hits Ginny in the head with an axe**

**Ginny gets up again**

Hermione: TAKE THAT ZOMBIE! **hits Ginny again**

Author: **walks over to Ginny** All right, you guys, just a second, and I'll get rid of her.

Harry: **snickering** Have you gotten rid of Hermione's hormones?

Hermione: Shut up, Harry.

Harry: But-

Hermione: NOW.

Author: **walks back over** Ok, she's gone now.

Harry: What'd you do to her?

Author: Do you really want to know?

Harry: …No, not really.

Author: You see, this is something that happens very often in fanfics. The author sometimes loses control of the fic, and these sorts of things happen.

Harry: The horror.

Author: I know.

Hermione: Well, Harry, do you still hate the fanfictions?

Harry: Yes. Yes, I do.

Author: Do you still hate the books?

Harry: Yep.

Hermione: The movies?

Harry: Most definitely.

Author: So I haven't accomplished anything by this fic?

Harry: Not really, no.

Author: **Steps over Ron's body to pull Harry and Hermione into a group hug** And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Puppet Dumbledore: **appears** Aww, a cornicopia of love!

Harry: **pulls away** That's another thing! Those puppets!…

Author: **over Harry's ranting** But that's a story for another day.

FIN


	4. Potter Puppet Pals

_Disclaimer: Not mine. J.K.'s_

_

* * *

__The Harry Potter Trio gets to watch Potter Puppet Pals. Oh, the joy…_

Harry: Will the torture and humiliation ever end?!

Hermione: Doubtful.

Ron: Whoa! What's a computer?

Author: A muggle machine.

Ron: **eagerly** I get one?

Hermione: Yes. Though, the chances of you getting a computer and making a rather mediocre movie with it are rather slim.

Author: Yes, that one was one of my favorites. "Ron's New Computer". However, you just can't beat the classics.

Harry: "Bothering Snape" was really pointless.

Author: Rather like this story, hmmm?

Ron: Well, at least we got to…well, bother Snape.

Harry: **bewildered** But he killed us? WTF?!

Author: Oh, and Dumbledore stole from you.

Harry: Yes, I'm going to be having some "words" with him.

Ron: Is that code?

Harry: What? No!! Ewww! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!

Ron: Well, I just thought-

Harry: JUST BECAUSE HE HAS SOME NUDIST TENDANCIES DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!

Author: Okay, we get it. Chill with the wizard angst.

Harry: YOU'RE WRITING THIS!!

Author: Whatev.

Hermione: **changing the subject **"Trouble at Hogwarts" was rather amusing.

Ron: What were the guns we used? .38? .45?

Author: I figure it was of a higher caliber, though .45 seems a bit much.

Harry: **gawking** Whoa, when did Ron get smart?

Hermione: He didn't, not really. He's more of an idiot savant.

Ron: **indignant** I am not an…an…whatever you said!

Harry: Congratulations, Ron. You're the first person to have a negative IQ.

Ron: **beaming** Thanks!

Author: Well, there was a video called "Deathly Hollows Outtakes". Now THAT was hilarious.

Hermione: I agree. So entertaining.

Ron: I, personally, found it offensive.

Harry: What offended you?

Ron: Um…nothing, I just wanted to say something.

Hermione: **quoting** "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something."

Author: So true.

Ron: **thinking…painfully** Wait…are you saying I'm…a fool?

Hermione: **sarcastically** Well done, Ronald. Want a cookie?

Ron: **backing up** _Oh_ no. Last time I took a cookie from one of you I died.

Author: That's _right_…how did you come back?

Ron: Magic.

Author: Of course.

Harry:…You know, Voldemort's usually a wimp in the PPP videos.

Author: Yeah! Remember that time with the Butterfly Wand Of Doom?

Harry: How could I forget? He gave Ron boobs!

Ron: What??

Author: **laughing** Yep, and Ron was all like, "I'M DISPROPORTIONATE!!"

Ron: STOP MOCKING ME!!

Harry: Stop being a baby!

Ron : I WAS SLOW IN DEVELOPMENT!!

**SILENCE**

Harry: Okaaayy…

Author: Ron, did your mother drop you when you were a baby?

Ron: **smartly** No, it was my brother.

Hermione:…That clears things up.

Author: **checks pages** Well, we have about 300 words left. Why don't I bring in a mystery guest?

**Puppet Snape appears**

Puppet Snape (or PS): What- how did I get here?

Author: **strapping down PS in a chair with rope** Magic.

Harry: Rope. How kinky.

Author: Keep your head out of the gutter.

Hermione: Isn't kidnapping illegal?

Author: **logically** But this isn't kidnapping, it's puppetnapping. And most puppets are non-sentinent things.

Hermione: Nice thinking.

Author: I try.

**Author sits down in a cushy chair like one of those posh talk shows**

Author: Okay, Puppet Snape. How did you feel when Puppet Harry and Puppet Ron bothered you?

PS : Let me go, you foul girl! Let me go, I say!

Ron: Maybe you sould let him go.

Harry: Yeah, before he chews his arms off.

Author: Yeah, like that ever happens.

**She looks back to see only Puppet Snape's little fabric arms left**

Author: Darn. And I was going to hold him for ransom. Oh well.

Harry: I doubt that would have worked anyway.

Author: Yeah, you're probably right.

Hermione: What are we going to do now?

Author: Well, _somebody_ has to be in the chair. Any takers?

**Everyone backs away**

Author: No? Okay, Ron, c'mere!

Ron: **terrified** NO!!

_A few minutes later…_

Hermione: Where's Ron?

Author: In the closet. I doubt he'll ever come out.

Hermione: I'll pretend I didn't just hear the innuendo in that sentence.

Harry: Why is he in the closet?

Author: I dunno. You'll have to ask one of my other personalities.

Hermione: WHAT?

Author: Sure, there's Cathy, Princess, Bobo, Fouton…

Harry: **whispering to Hemione** Walk away slowly.

**They backed up and ran away**

Author:…Archibald, Cocoa, Cleopatra, and Francis. **looks around and sees no one** Hey, where'd they go?

**Author wanders off while Ron kicks the door sporadically**

Ron:** muffled **Help!

FIN (For real, this time)

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_A/N- Well, a lot of people were asking for this, so I took a hand at it. So, please review!_


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